Thoughts on future sadness

Yo! This summer has greeted me with the happiest of happies I've ever experienced. It started fresh in Montreal, had me driving forever to Tennessee to experience Bonnaroo, mega huge parties way back in Quebec, meeting maybe a hundred new friends all over the place, learning to repair bikes at McGill U., seeing tons of bands play live, and driving across the continent to Alaska. All the while I never missed Brooklyn, though seeing that bands would be playing live in Brooklyn made me appreciate the access to ALL New York City has afforded me. If I ever actually live there again, I won't take it for granted.

But I'm almost 30 and my brain is fucking fucked. The thoughts that swirl in my head just won't let me live in the moment and appreciate not being 30 and being in Alaska for no other reason than because I can't work above ground in Montreal.

But that doesn't help. I have these bad feelings that I won't be happy after this. That no matter where I go, after this summer, will pale in comparison to this one hoorah. Ouch. It's soooooo real to me. Going back to Brooklyn would almost feel claustrophobic. Going to Montreal would certainly mean working under-the-table, menial tasks and living hand-to-mouth. And staying in Alaska would offer some promise, but tons of misery and a cost-of-living that I'm certainly unprepared for.

How do I balance my chronic spells of depression with; new, exciting and healthy experiences that stimulate and keep me reasonably happy; AND find a way of making a living that doesn't have me continually thinking of seeking out a new way to earn an existence? Doesn't seem possible. It's the sort of way-leads-onto-way that forks me over and over again.

I keep melting.

Someone teach me French, a skill that stimulates me to no end, and write me up a work visa. Or motivate me to act and not think. Or better yet, distract me.

But no one wants to read this bullshit. So I'll have you know that last night I saw the lankiest cat ever bound its way across the George Parks highway. Turns out it was a lynx. And I finally saw Dall sheep hanging out. And the ptarmigans' feathers and arctic snowshoe hares' fur are changing color! There are a couple hares that visited me at cook's camp today. Cutest things ever.