"This girl called me up and said "you should come over, no one's home!" So I get there, and no one was home."
The Solipsist
Dear Luxembourg,
I have a problem. My life is backwards. I can't seem to get this ship to float in the right direction. It keeps going into the wind. I bought a gun the other day, but all it shoots is water. I bought a camera too, and all its photos are taken as negatives. All! And it's digital.
My job is the pits. In the evenings, on my commute home, the only thing running through my mind is the fact that I have to do this waspish act again in the morning. My morning coffee is lightened with fits of depression.
The only highlight of my life, so far, was this one book I'm reading and in fact, I'm writing you because I just finished it.
Please help me.
Sincerely,
Loathsome in Lubbock
Dear Loathsome,
I'll be honest, dawg. Push-ups. Do them in the morning when you get up; do them in the evening before you settle into bed. You'll find that, before long, your upper body is strapping. But it doesn't have to end there, you can start working on your legs too.
If that doesn't help, inject passion into your life with some other interest. Take a course in capoeira. Take an art class. You're a man right? Find where the local women hang out! That's not to say that you should start shopping for women's shoes all of the sudden, but it wouldn't hurt to stop in a shoe store one day. Maybe survey a few of the shopping women and find out why they're buying shoes today. Or just ask the salesperson. If it's to go clubbing, well buddy, you've got to go clubbing. If they're for church, find God. If they're for work, find out what kind of work, and change careers.
If you're a woman, by happenstance of course, try getting a gym membership. Not into muscle heads? Try the supermarket. It's true, single men have to shop for themselves. Where better to meet some new men than in the express line, just be sure to leave the coupons at home and only pick up 12 items or less.
I hope some of this helps. If it doesn't, there's always meth.
Best,
Luxembourg
Today I'm feeling:
the panache
6 comments:
Loathsome in Lubbock:
I feel exactly the same way. I find that a bottle of Chardonnay numbs the evenings.
And by the way, what is the name of that book?
What book? Chardonnay eh? I've got some hardcore rum here, but I'm not a hard liquor type of man. I could sure use some sleep though...
The book from the post, Sean. The highlight of your life...that book.
??? I mentioned no books in my post Leila. Sorry.
Sean:
Are you on crack? And I quote:
"The only highlight of my life, so far, was this one book I'm reading and in fact, I'm writing you because I just finished it."
Does this mean you aren't Loathsome in Lubbock? Which, by the way, is who I addressed my comment to...
Oh fudge! I've freakin' lost it! I'm sorry Leila. That whole advice column thing is fiction. Something I fabricated. The book I'm actually reading now is giving me fits to finish. I don't like it, but I got 200 pages into it before I realized that it isn't too good. I've just been going to the movies every night instead. BTW, see Signal and Juno. Skip P2.
So the wack assed book I'm currently reading is called Plundering Paradise and it's about the freakin' Galapagos Islands. I quoted from it in a previous post.
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